Hey Nicky,

I sometimes wonder what it’s like for you to be MY son.

I sometimes wonder if you ever think about whether I’m even a good mum, because I wonder myself.

One day I hope you might like to tell me what you think about your mum in your heart.

But for this Mother’s Day I just wanted to tell you what it’s been like to be YOUR mum and tell you how good you’ve been for me.

Before I start I have to be honest and tell you it hasn’t always been easy for me.  But I know it’s been harder for you.

And anyway, your two older brothers, as lovely as they think they are all the time, have taught me that no-one is perfect and that kids are not little angels. Or not for long at least.

After Mikey and Matty, along came Nicky.  Our youngest.  Our baby.  You were the sweetest gentlest little boy.  Everybody loved Nicky.  We didn’t realise, or really learn, for some time, just why you had become so quiet and so timid.

That news absolutely knocked our socks off.  As the Fat Controller would say, that day we completely came off the rails.

We didn’t find our socks again but slowly we found our feet.  We had no choice I suppose.  Off in a new direction.  And what a journey we’ve had together so far.  Maybe we weren’t going to be main-line engines, like Gordon or Henry or your favourite, James.  But we were going to be really useful branch-line engines.  Thomas was on our side.

OK so we’ve come off the rails a few more times and felt hopelessly lost sometimes.  But what incredible people we have met under some of those stones I’ve had to turn over for you.  I would always know if they were right for you because I could see they felt some of the love for you that I had.

You are still sweet, for a teenager, and very, very funny.  Even when you are not trying to be. 

So that’s been it so far.  Trying to surround you with the people that care for you and love you and expect you to be the best you can.  Trying to give you your independence and enough happiness.

I hope that makes me a good mum.

I love you.

Mum xoxoxoxo